2 Years ago today......

2 (TWO!!) year have passed since my last injection of chemo poison and external radiation. And to be honest it has taken these last two years to get back to feeling normal. As normal as possible. I still have lingering reminders but it really could be so much worse. What is the saying?? Five years clear from the date of diagnosis and you can be considered cured?? 2 1/2 more years to go??......piece of cake!!!

8-11-2009

That was the day of my very first treatment. Today is 8-6-2010.

360 days later.......

All my treatments are done. Had surgery 4 weeks ago to remove the lump that started this whole thing. At the time they thought it was a fibroid and not nearly as serious as cancer so they just saved it for last. I met with the doctor who did the surgery today to do a follow up on the cut across my bikini line and fill me in on what they did or didn't see. What they did see was endometriosis and the mass was not a fibroid..it was an endometrioma. A BIG one...approx 10cm. He said it didn't want to come out and took some serious poking and prodding. That explains why it feels like someone has been boxing inside my stomach. He also confirmed that the pathology report came back as all clear. He released me to go back to work on Monday and he said the he thought

wait a sec....

*all clear*

I cant process that......

How can that be??? A year ago I wrestled with the fact that I was going to die. Maybe not right away but that cancer was going to kill me. Inside my head I visited all the places I wanted to go but hadn't been to yet. I visualized all the faces of friends and family I hadn't seen in a long time because I didn't know if Id be able to see them again before "it" happened. I came to terms with the fact that there were things in my life that I had planned and hoped for that I would never see completed.

I am breathing a sigh of relief.....for now. Cancer is a very tricky thing. Today I appear to be cancer free but you can never be sure what your future holds. I am extremely thankful to all of the doctors and nurses who spent their time to treat me and educate me, to my friends and family who solicited prayers from all corners of the world and who were at my side pushing me to fight.

I still cant fully process all of this and the ultimate pessimist in me is really battling with my brain....what I do know is that today I feel more alive then I have for the past year and I have a smile that could burn a hole thru the sun.

Thank you for spending your time with me.....

Thank you......

Im touched by the kind words.....I really am.


Its been a tough week with this damn broken ankle. My freedom has been taken away and it was replaced with a dark cloud. Im lucky that I dont need surgery or Id really be going crazy. I just want this cast off and I want to be able to walk without crutches...to be able to carry things....to be able to go to the grocery store...to be able to go into any store for that matter. I missed a birthday of someone very important because my mind is so screwed up. I go to work. I go through the motions and I go home. Cancer never had this effect on me. I always knew in my heart that Id make it no matter what. I just cant wrap my head around this silly cast. I know it sounds crazy.....I cant even explain it without people looking at me like I have 7 heads. Its not that big of a deal...it should be easy for me to deal with. Its coming off in a few weeks...its not forever. Why cant I get that through my head.....why cant I stop whining and complaining about......WHY??????

I did end up in the ER Wed night....for 8 hours!!! I dont even feel like explaining it right now but I will...its a really funny story when i tell it now....at the time I was not a happy girl. I went because they suspected a blood clot in my leg.....8 hours later I didnt have one. end of story for now. Its a simple broken leg and its consumed me.....

Over the course of the past week or two I have come across stories of Cancer....some of strangers....but most of them have familiar faces or names. None of the stories have happy endings.........or easy treatment plans. They are losing thier battles...and thier hair....and thier will.......and I...am OK.

I am struggling with a guilt that I cant explain or put into words. It makes me cry sitting at stop lights...or reading emails. It makes me daydream about all of the what ifs.....

I feel so incredibly guilty and I don't know how to make it stop.....

Broken me update

Yea...its still broken. I had hoped to wake up and whala (sp?) it would be all healed and we would all laugh about how funny I looked on crutches trying to do all of my everyday tasks....hahahah!! Yea, well that didn't happen.

What did happen is I saw the doctor and no surgery is required. Thank God! I was dreading that and was very happy that he called it a "perfect break"...who knew there was sucha thing. Funny story...while I was waiting for my doctor, who is a really nice guy but not too soft on the eyes, I noticed there was a really HOT doctor running around. He was, of course, young enough to be my son but there is no law against looking right?? I was thinking to myself that I never really get any of the hot doctors and wondered if there was some cosmic reason for this when all of a sudden he came out and called for me.....FOR ME!!!! OMG.....he wants to see ME!! He was the assistant (resident) of my doctor and he would be attending to me. Holy cow...its my unlucky (broken ankle) lucky (hot doc) day!! He was very nice....and very young. I felt really odd actually even thinking how cute he was. He did an awesome recast on my leg....it really feels 100% better now. So I came up with a plan...I went back to work and suggested to one of my much younger single co-workers that she break her leg...or arm. I told her I knew a great doc for her to see and she really should consider doing it soon.....was that wrong of me??? I'm just trying to help her out....stop looking at me like that!

sometimes you just have to laugh......

And for my next trick I think I will.........


BREAK MY ANKLE!!!

Id love to tell you it was during a bar fight or skydiving....or something badass.

Instead I blame it not on "badass" but "fatass"... The boy and I were walking along a trail in the woods...enjoying the fresh air and the animal tracks. It was chilly and there was less then an inch of snow on the ground....a path that I have walked hundreds of times. All of a sudden I heard a crack....and I FELT a crack. The boy turned around and said "What was that pop?" As I was hitting the ground I think I mumbled something about a broken ankle....he said he had heard the noise and was I sure. How can you be sure when pain is flooding your body??? A pain like I have never felt before....he took of running....so fast I was worried he would hurt himself as well. Within minutes he is driving his truck down a trail no wider the 4-5 feet. The truck was ripping over bushes and small trees...he was a man on a mission. He scooped me up and off we went. The ER was extremely fast...in and out in less then an hour!!

So here I sit with a black colored cast (as badass I can get in a cast!!) and a broken ankle.....go me!!

Pet/ct results.....

Had a Pet/ct scan last week...on Thursday. This really creepy guy gives the test too by the way. He reminds me of Dexter....but not the good side of Dexter....the methodical serial killer side. He was really quiet and moved really slow. Talked in a monotone voice and kept calling me patient Stasiak. He said EXACTLY the same things in the same order as the visit I had with him back in July.

My next doctor visit isn't until Jan 22 and the thought of waiting that long to hear the news was driving me crazy. Of course I popped the disc they gave me into my laptop so that I could pretend I'm a doctor and diagnose myself. I had seen the original scan so OF COURSE I knew what I was looking at and ....OMG....its still there....its in the other lymph node and it looks like its on a lung OMG OMG!!! I got myself all worked up...because I am of course an expert at reading these things and I just needed the doctor to confirm the awful truth....chemo again and maybe this time I will lose some weight and oh crap I have to take steroids again and ohhh please don't make me so tired again....and ....and and.....*sigh*


Well I finally worked up the nerve to call the doctor this morning and try to make an earlier appt. I cant keep feeling this way without him giving me a plan of action. The nurse said she already knew the results and would be happy to share them with me over the phone....for me to hold on while she got the papers because she didn't want to make a mistake and tell me wrong info....of course she doesn't....you don't want to tell someone they are fine when they arnt right??? She came back on the phone and started reading it off....uptake this and signs that blah blah blah it all ran together...until....UNTIL I clearly heard her say "This is the best part...the doctor was so excited yesterday.....it shows MINIMAL TO NO UPTAKE and significant decrease in mass on last scan". Huh? what?!?!? OK...so maybe I'm not a very good doctor....and I don't really know what I was looking at on the scan disc. The nurse told me its very good news and the doctor was very happy with the results. So am I. How does this happen?? How do I go from the worst news in my life......facing the facts that I could die...to this? I feel guilty because I didn't have all the nasty side effects that most people get. I didn't lose my hair. I didn't get so skinny that I looked worse then I felt. I didn't miss a day of work. I didn't struggle with my insurance or my job. I did feel bad....really bad and sometimes I don't think people realized just HOW BAD because all the outward signs of Cancer treatment weren't there and that was frustrating at times. Someone close to me told me I was too ornery to die.....and I think she just might be right!!!

Today I feel like the most lucky girl on earth!!!

Thanks for taking this ride with me....I couldn't have done it without you!

Christmas and the new year coming up.....

Its been a while since I made a post. part of the reason is blogger WAS blocked at work and I spend most of my waking hours here. The other reasons fall into nice neat little packages....busy doing fun stuff, vacation in Florida, Christmas shopping and Thanksgiving cooking, too much time spent on Facebook etc.

Updates on the health.....the doctors seem to think they may have kicked Cancer in the ass. Visual inspections show no signs but it had planted itself pretty deep in some places so a pet/ct is needed to be sure. Funny thing about pet/ct scans....insurance companies (at least the new one my company changed to on DEC 1st....UHG!!) don't like to pay for them. My old insurance never gave me a hassle about anything.....ANYTHING I went through for this Cancer program. The new insurance has told my Doctor they don't feel its medically necessary....HUH??? How could that even be said out loud??? So its not necessary to know if they got all of the Cancer...or its not medically necessary to know if it has migrated to other organs....WHAT???? The doctors office, today, requested copies of the needle biopsy and some other stuff to send to the insurance company to convince them that HELLO SHE HAS CANCER! I just hope this isn't a sign of whats to come...and if they are this difficult all I can say is I hope the worst of my treatments are over so I don't have to worry about whats going to be covered and whats not.

Not a whole lot to report otherwise. Had a lovely vacation in Orlando Florida for my birthday....spent it with Mickey and friends!! Christmas cant come and leave fast enough and I am so ready to start the new year (decade!!!!) with a diet (HOLY COW HOW DID I GET SO FAT???!!!??) going to the gym again (HELLO CUTE BOYS!!!) working hard and playing harder. Will be taking the motorcycle course in the spring so that I will be able to ride by the time its warm.....did I mention I bought a Harley??? Oh...I bought a Harley Davidson...2003 Anniversary Edition Fatboy. Its so pretty!!!

Thats it...thats my update for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a safe and healthy new year.....thank you all for being there for me and loving me through something I never imagined in my life. I know its the love and prayers you offered up that guided me through the hardest parts. Not only am I stronger then I ever imagined but you all are more wonderful then I had ever realized. Thank you for everything and Cheers to the future!!!!

Well......

I do believe that I got good news today at the Doctor's office.......


I was....and still am...more confused now then when I walked in there. Its not because I didnt ask enough questions...or because he didnt give me enough information.


I think its Cancers fault.....

When I can figure everything out I will post it. What I can tell you....something that I am 100% sure about is that my body has responded in amazing ways to the treatment I have had. The Doctor today was very impressed......

More later!!!

Life has been good......

These days I have been feeling better and getting some of my energy back. I have continued my work load and started to pick some of my extra activities back up. Started back to the gym thyis week!! Boy did (do) my joints ache. Im sure its from lack of movement the past few months along with the chemo attack on my body. Of course every ache and pain represents some new form of cancer in my brain. Ive heard thats something common and will continue until some doctor gives me the offical "all clear"......I did have my Mamogram 2 weeks ago and the results came back in 2 days ago....its funny how the results most people get (meaning negative) can be such a relief. In my case the negative took on more meaning. They had also scanned my lymphnodes since it is part of the procedure. The lymphnodes came back negative and thats HUGE in my case. That can mean that my cancer has not spread any further then the lymphnodes in my groin (they killed them!!) and also means that the chance that it has attached itself to lungs or liver or ...or....or......is mighty slim. So needless to say I had a good cry and saved the letter!! I meet with the gyno-oncologist tomorrow. He is the guy who does the surgery...and also the guy who told me my case was far to advanced to operate. He made me laugh that day....he said he is a surgeon because he likes to cut things open and poke around....that is something that makes him quite happy so not being able to do it is a disappointment and that he was very disappointed he wouldnt be able to open me up. I just thought it was a pretty down to earth answer.....he wants to take another look now. He thinks maybe ...just maybe if my body reacted like they think it has that he can finally have a go at it......so we shall see! Fingers, toes and eyes are crossed!!

I hope everyone is having a great day and loving thier lives as much as I am. I am so greatful for everything!!

Jamie

Im here......

Im here....Im ok....I just needed a break from everything. I feel really good and have been getting my life back on track. Thank you for all the emails and phone calls. I will set up a post tomorrow with the doctors appts and schedule for the remaining year. Its pretty uneventful....thank god!!

Thanks for everything and I will talk to you all tomorrow...good night!!

Jamie

One of my very favorite website......check it out...and BUY the books!!!

Im gonna be brief....

Because I'm exhausted and achy and cranky and and and......

Well my two 3 days trips for internal radiation turned into Wed thru Sunday instead. What should have taken about an hour.....to place the tubes and get me prepped took almost 4. I have a VERY tilted uterus.....more tilted then any of the docs had ever seen and it was making it very hard to place the right side tube in the correct position. From what my Doc said they almost gave up all together but decided to step back for 15-20 min and brain storm. They figured out a way but knew they only had one shot and that they prob couldn't re-create it on Monday so they decided once they saw the scans and how perfectly the tubes were placed to just do both treatments back to back. After it was over my Doc said she had performed approx 1500 of these internal radiation treatments and only a handful had ever been back to back. It takes a certain case and a certain person and I fell into that bracket. Around day 3 of laying flat on my back trying to drink water sideways out of my mouth through a straw and being woken up every FREAKIN hour to check blood pressure and temp I was a mad woman. No seriously I was a crazy woman.....my back was killing me, I was having hot flashes, all I had eaten in 3 days was 1 banana and 1/2 a PP "n" J,,,they kept loading me up on IV fluids and I was convinced my catheter was leaking....it wasnt....everytime I made them check it....sorry!!! Then to have someone tell me I cant sit up, cant get up, cant roll over and only pick foood you feel comfortable eating laying down oh and here is a bucket if you feel ike you are gonna throw up......now tell me...think about it.....how would YOU throw up laying flat on your back??? Go ahead try it right now...Ill wait....now seriously go ahead.....ohhh you cant figure it out??? Yea me either!!!!..........grrrrrrrrr..............thank God for Bananas! Im bruised from head to toe with blood draws and IV lines....but gosh darn it Im alive and feeling MUCH better now that Im home. Body still hurts cause its just not sure what all this moving around is for...ha!

Im heading to bed.....just wanted to update ya'll. I will post Doctor comments and where we go from here tomorrow.....

Love ya.....thank you for all the prayers!!!!

Jump start.....

It seems that the 2 units of blood I got jump started my system enough that I have been livin' large this week!! I worked my usual work schedule with month end closing (UHG!!), stayed up later then 8pm...every night! Helped hang some tree stands, went to a wedding reception, had a late dinner with some friends, went to Mastoris for breakfast and walked the Cranberry Festival and still have a little energy left...not much tho!! Tonight I'm feeling a little tired but looking back on my week I'm pretty sure its normal! Just trying to finish up some laundry then I'm heading to bed.

Update on the internal radiation....I go in Wednesday Oct 7th for the first procedure and will be there until Friday night. Second treatment will be the following Monday and I will be home Wednesday night. I get to come home for the weekend and then its right back to the hospital. I think I like it better that way. I get both out of the way in a week. I figure if its really that bad I don't have so much time in between to dread going back.....

All of the Drs and Nurses at the Cancer Center have been so good to me. Ive been trying to think of something nice to do for them. I'm sure they get tons of food and probably flowers....I'm just going to have to keep looking around. Any suggestions??

Please keep in mind that starting Wednesday until at least the following Thursday I wont be posting. Im not going to take my laptop to the hospital so if you dont hear from me dont worry...please. I will post something as soon as Im able to sit at the computer. Thank you for being so concerned about me.....makes me smile!!

Love you guys!!

Oh what a difference a day makes....

And 2 units of red blood!!!

Feeling muuuuuuuuuuuuch better. Will post more in the morning. This is the latest (11pm!!!) I have been up in 4 weeks and I gotta get to bed.....long day at work tomorrow!


Love ya!

Blood work.....

At 9am today my blood work was .......

White cell count 0.6 (yes that's ZERO POINT 6)
Red cell count 2
platelets 66

For those who know the numbers I don't need to explain....for those who don't...there will be no internal radiation tomorrow or the next day or the next day. It may not be until Oct 7th for the first one. Its all going to depend on my body....and its not cooperating.

All I can tell you is a flight of stairs feels like I ran a mile......and Im off to go to sleep. I will write more later...for now Im exhausted.

Love you!

I take it all back.......

Blood counts have really dropped (red and white are both hovering around 2-3 I believe) and I will be getting meds today and tomorrow in hopes of bringing them to a level that I can still have the internal radiation on Monday.....so far it looks like its gonna happen but only if my body agrees. I'm heading 45 min north of me at 8am for the first shots and then again tomorrow at 8am......I'm really pissed off at my body and at cancer and the fact that I have to go so far for the shots...and...and and......cancer can kiss my ass! (sorry Dad but I had to say it!)

I will be back and at work by 10am......I will be checking emails if you have questions I will try to respond asap.

Thanks...love you guys!

What a difference a week can make!!

Hey there Hi there Ho there!! Its been almost a week since the last post (can we say SLACKER!!) I was always taught that if you didn't have anything nice to say then its best to say nothing at all. I was grouchy, cranky and not feeling well so that explains the silence (I hope!)

I'm doing much better....still feeling tired...but then again I'm back to a full work week (50 hrs) and walking the in the mornings and cooking and cleaning so I suppose being tired should be expected. Ive been hitting the pillow somewhere around 8:30pm and waking up at 5:30ish. I usually cant fall back asleep so that's the new witching hour for me. I make some toast, read the news and then head out for a walk.

Ive noticed that I'm bruising easily so the clumsy girl I am is trying to be more careful. I still cant take the smell of coffee and the taste of Diet Coke......the 2 mainstays of my life pre-cancer. Everything else is good tho. I have been getting back into the kitchen...doing some baking and making The Boy good dinners.

I have an appt today with the Chemo Oncologist...just to go over blood work and follow up on how I'm doing....nothing serious. The hospital will be calling me tonight sometime between 4pm and 7pm to let me know what time to be there Monday morning. One of the nurses told me it looks like I'm set for the OR at 7:30 so its gonna be an EARLY morning I'm guessing. I'm OK with that....the earlier they get started the earlier I'm out on Wednesday. The rods have to be in place for 50 hrs so the length of my stay depends on when the clock starts ticking. Id be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Ive never been to the OR before or put completely out. I have faith in everyone doing the job and I have to say that the Doctors and Hospital have been very thorough, I have gotten probably 7 calls from various departments and nurses confirming info and giving me directions.

I need to get ready for work....thanks for hanging around with me on this blog.....journeys are always better when you can share the sights!!

Love you!!

Still.....

Still not feeling up to par. I suppose 6 weeks accumulation of Chemo and radiation are finally catching up with me. I am just grateful I didn't feel this way the whole time. I am extremely tired and all I wanna do is sleep. It will take a few weeks to bounce back but I know it will be fine eventually.

The procedures are still on for Sept 28th and oct 7th. They told me that even after the hospital stay that the radiation will continue to kill cells so I wont have to see any Drs for 60-90 days!! Yea!! That means I can go through the holidays without having to make trips everywhere. I hope that I finally have some energy back by then too. I just hate not being able to do all the things I wanna do. The walk in the morning feels good but it wears me out by 5pm.

The Dr I met with on Thursday seems pretty good...and I trust him. He is an Assisant Professor for the hospital and he will be having students watching......if I can help at least one other person by letting them be there then the whole freakin school can come....ha!

Heading to bed.......love you guys and I cant thank you enough for everything!!

Seasick....

I have been fighting the nausea for a few days now and I'm not sure if its due to the Chemo or my nerves on this next procedure. Since its 6am (been up sine 5) I'm going to assume its a little of both. I'm so NOT a morning person.

I'm heading to the physical today for pre-op. I hear its chest x-rays, EKG and other stuff....oh joy. I dont feel like going but I know I have to. I'm keeping my eye on the prize I promise. I have gotten over the pity party I was having a few days ago and have gone back to treatment mode. The Boy has helped a great deal with that. He is my strength when I cant muster any of my own.

Speaking of the Boy...he informed me last night that since it is deer season and Ive been shooting my bow pretty well that we will be having a deer hunt after the Drs appts today and I WILL be taking my first deer. He seems pretty confident so I'm gonna just go with the flow and hope he is right. Will keep you posted!!

I'm off to eat some Banana Nut Cheerios (new obsession!!) and get ready for the appts.....

Love you guys and thanks for the prayers~~