Over the course of the past week or two I have come across stories of Cancer....some of strangers....but most of them have familiar faces or names. None of the stories have happy endings.........or easy treatment plans. They are losing thier battles...and thier hair....and thier will.......and I...am OK.

I am struggling with a guilt that I cant explain or put into words. It makes me cry sitting at stop lights...or reading emails. It makes me daydream about all of the what ifs.....

I feel so incredibly guilty and I don't know how to make it stop.....

Broken me update

Yea...its still broken. I had hoped to wake up and whala (sp?) it would be all healed and we would all laugh about how funny I looked on crutches trying to do all of my everyday tasks....hahahah!! Yea, well that didn't happen.

What did happen is I saw the doctor and no surgery is required. Thank God! I was dreading that and was very happy that he called it a "perfect break"...who knew there was sucha thing. Funny story...while I was waiting for my doctor, who is a really nice guy but not too soft on the eyes, I noticed there was a really HOT doctor running around. He was, of course, young enough to be my son but there is no law against looking right?? I was thinking to myself that I never really get any of the hot doctors and wondered if there was some cosmic reason for this when all of a sudden he came out and called for me.....FOR ME!!!! OMG.....he wants to see ME!! He was the assistant (resident) of my doctor and he would be attending to me. Holy cow...its my unlucky (broken ankle) lucky (hot doc) day!! He was very nice....and very young. I felt really odd actually even thinking how cute he was. He did an awesome recast on my leg....it really feels 100% better now. So I came up with a plan...I went back to work and suggested to one of my much younger single co-workers that she break her leg...or arm. I told her I knew a great doc for her to see and she really should consider doing it soon.....was that wrong of me??? I'm just trying to help her out....stop looking at me like that!

sometimes you just have to laugh......

And for my next trick I think I will.........


BREAK MY ANKLE!!!

Id love to tell you it was during a bar fight or skydiving....or something badass.

Instead I blame it not on "badass" but "fatass"... The boy and I were walking along a trail in the woods...enjoying the fresh air and the animal tracks. It was chilly and there was less then an inch of snow on the ground....a path that I have walked hundreds of times. All of a sudden I heard a crack....and I FELT a crack. The boy turned around and said "What was that pop?" As I was hitting the ground I think I mumbled something about a broken ankle....he said he had heard the noise and was I sure. How can you be sure when pain is flooding your body??? A pain like I have never felt before....he took of running....so fast I was worried he would hurt himself as well. Within minutes he is driving his truck down a trail no wider the 4-5 feet. The truck was ripping over bushes and small trees...he was a man on a mission. He scooped me up and off we went. The ER was extremely fast...in and out in less then an hour!!

So here I sit with a black colored cast (as badass I can get in a cast!!) and a broken ankle.....go me!!

Pet/ct results.....

Had a Pet/ct scan last week...on Thursday. This really creepy guy gives the test too by the way. He reminds me of Dexter....but not the good side of Dexter....the methodical serial killer side. He was really quiet and moved really slow. Talked in a monotone voice and kept calling me patient Stasiak. He said EXACTLY the same things in the same order as the visit I had with him back in July.

My next doctor visit isn't until Jan 22 and the thought of waiting that long to hear the news was driving me crazy. Of course I popped the disc they gave me into my laptop so that I could pretend I'm a doctor and diagnose myself. I had seen the original scan so OF COURSE I knew what I was looking at and ....OMG....its still there....its in the other lymph node and it looks like its on a lung OMG OMG!!! I got myself all worked up...because I am of course an expert at reading these things and I just needed the doctor to confirm the awful truth....chemo again and maybe this time I will lose some weight and oh crap I have to take steroids again and ohhh please don't make me so tired again....and ....and and.....*sigh*


Well I finally worked up the nerve to call the doctor this morning and try to make an earlier appt. I cant keep feeling this way without him giving me a plan of action. The nurse said she already knew the results and would be happy to share them with me over the phone....for me to hold on while she got the papers because she didn't want to make a mistake and tell me wrong info....of course she doesn't....you don't want to tell someone they are fine when they arnt right??? She came back on the phone and started reading it off....uptake this and signs that blah blah blah it all ran together...until....UNTIL I clearly heard her say "This is the best part...the doctor was so excited yesterday.....it shows MINIMAL TO NO UPTAKE and significant decrease in mass on last scan". Huh? what?!?!? OK...so maybe I'm not a very good doctor....and I don't really know what I was looking at on the scan disc. The nurse told me its very good news and the doctor was very happy with the results. So am I. How does this happen?? How do I go from the worst news in my life......facing the facts that I could die...to this? I feel guilty because I didn't have all the nasty side effects that most people get. I didn't lose my hair. I didn't get so skinny that I looked worse then I felt. I didn't miss a day of work. I didn't struggle with my insurance or my job. I did feel bad....really bad and sometimes I don't think people realized just HOW BAD because all the outward signs of Cancer treatment weren't there and that was frustrating at times. Someone close to me told me I was too ornery to die.....and I think she just might be right!!!

Today I feel like the most lucky girl on earth!!!

Thanks for taking this ride with me....I couldn't have done it without you!

Christmas and the new year coming up.....

Its been a while since I made a post. part of the reason is blogger WAS blocked at work and I spend most of my waking hours here. The other reasons fall into nice neat little packages....busy doing fun stuff, vacation in Florida, Christmas shopping and Thanksgiving cooking, too much time spent on Facebook etc.

Updates on the health.....the doctors seem to think they may have kicked Cancer in the ass. Visual inspections show no signs but it had planted itself pretty deep in some places so a pet/ct is needed to be sure. Funny thing about pet/ct scans....insurance companies (at least the new one my company changed to on DEC 1st....UHG!!) don't like to pay for them. My old insurance never gave me a hassle about anything.....ANYTHING I went through for this Cancer program. The new insurance has told my Doctor they don't feel its medically necessary....HUH??? How could that even be said out loud??? So its not necessary to know if they got all of the Cancer...or its not medically necessary to know if it has migrated to other organs....WHAT???? The doctors office, today, requested copies of the needle biopsy and some other stuff to send to the insurance company to convince them that HELLO SHE HAS CANCER! I just hope this isn't a sign of whats to come...and if they are this difficult all I can say is I hope the worst of my treatments are over so I don't have to worry about whats going to be covered and whats not.

Not a whole lot to report otherwise. Had a lovely vacation in Orlando Florida for my birthday....spent it with Mickey and friends!! Christmas cant come and leave fast enough and I am so ready to start the new year (decade!!!!) with a diet (HOLY COW HOW DID I GET SO FAT???!!!??) going to the gym again (HELLO CUTE BOYS!!!) working hard and playing harder. Will be taking the motorcycle course in the spring so that I will be able to ride by the time its warm.....did I mention I bought a Harley??? Oh...I bought a Harley Davidson...2003 Anniversary Edition Fatboy. Its so pretty!!!

Thats it...thats my update for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas and a safe and healthy new year.....thank you all for being there for me and loving me through something I never imagined in my life. I know its the love and prayers you offered up that guided me through the hardest parts. Not only am I stronger then I ever imagined but you all are more wonderful then I had ever realized. Thank you for everything and Cheers to the future!!!!

Well......

I do believe that I got good news today at the Doctor's office.......


I was....and still am...more confused now then when I walked in there. Its not because I didnt ask enough questions...or because he didnt give me enough information.


I think its Cancers fault.....

When I can figure everything out I will post it. What I can tell you....something that I am 100% sure about is that my body has responded in amazing ways to the treatment I have had. The Doctor today was very impressed......

More later!!!

Life has been good......

These days I have been feeling better and getting some of my energy back. I have continued my work load and started to pick some of my extra activities back up. Started back to the gym thyis week!! Boy did (do) my joints ache. Im sure its from lack of movement the past few months along with the chemo attack on my body. Of course every ache and pain represents some new form of cancer in my brain. Ive heard thats something common and will continue until some doctor gives me the offical "all clear"......I did have my Mamogram 2 weeks ago and the results came back in 2 days ago....its funny how the results most people get (meaning negative) can be such a relief. In my case the negative took on more meaning. They had also scanned my lymphnodes since it is part of the procedure. The lymphnodes came back negative and thats HUGE in my case. That can mean that my cancer has not spread any further then the lymphnodes in my groin (they killed them!!) and also means that the chance that it has attached itself to lungs or liver or ...or....or......is mighty slim. So needless to say I had a good cry and saved the letter!! I meet with the gyno-oncologist tomorrow. He is the guy who does the surgery...and also the guy who told me my case was far to advanced to operate. He made me laugh that day....he said he is a surgeon because he likes to cut things open and poke around....that is something that makes him quite happy so not being able to do it is a disappointment and that he was very disappointed he wouldnt be able to open me up. I just thought it was a pretty down to earth answer.....he wants to take another look now. He thinks maybe ...just maybe if my body reacted like they think it has that he can finally have a go at it......so we shall see! Fingers, toes and eyes are crossed!!

I hope everyone is having a great day and loving thier lives as much as I am. I am so greatful for everything!!

Jamie