8-11-2009

That was the day of my very first treatment. Today is 8-6-2010.

360 days later.......

All my treatments are done. Had surgery 4 weeks ago to remove the lump that started this whole thing. At the time they thought it was a fibroid and not nearly as serious as cancer so they just saved it for last. I met with the doctor who did the surgery today to do a follow up on the cut across my bikini line and fill me in on what they did or didn't see. What they did see was endometriosis and the mass was not a fibroid..it was an endometrioma. A BIG one...approx 10cm. He said it didn't want to come out and took some serious poking and prodding. That explains why it feels like someone has been boxing inside my stomach. He also confirmed that the pathology report came back as all clear. He released me to go back to work on Monday and he said the he thought

wait a sec....

*all clear*

I cant process that......

How can that be??? A year ago I wrestled with the fact that I was going to die. Maybe not right away but that cancer was going to kill me. Inside my head I visited all the places I wanted to go but hadn't been to yet. I visualized all the faces of friends and family I hadn't seen in a long time because I didn't know if Id be able to see them again before "it" happened. I came to terms with the fact that there were things in my life that I had planned and hoped for that I would never see completed.

I am breathing a sigh of relief.....for now. Cancer is a very tricky thing. Today I appear to be cancer free but you can never be sure what your future holds. I am extremely thankful to all of the doctors and nurses who spent their time to treat me and educate me, to my friends and family who solicited prayers from all corners of the world and who were at my side pushing me to fight.

I still cant fully process all of this and the ultimate pessimist in me is really battling with my brain....what I do know is that today I feel more alive then I have for the past year and I have a smile that could burn a hole thru the sun.

Thank you for spending your time with me.....

Thank you......

Im touched by the kind words.....I really am.


Its been a tough week with this damn broken ankle. My freedom has been taken away and it was replaced with a dark cloud. Im lucky that I dont need surgery or Id really be going crazy. I just want this cast off and I want to be able to walk without crutches...to be able to carry things....to be able to go to the grocery store...to be able to go into any store for that matter. I missed a birthday of someone very important because my mind is so screwed up. I go to work. I go through the motions and I go home. Cancer never had this effect on me. I always knew in my heart that Id make it no matter what. I just cant wrap my head around this silly cast. I know it sounds crazy.....I cant even explain it without people looking at me like I have 7 heads. Its not that big of a deal...it should be easy for me to deal with. Its coming off in a few weeks...its not forever. Why cant I get that through my head.....why cant I stop whining and complaining about......WHY??????

I did end up in the ER Wed night....for 8 hours!!! I dont even feel like explaining it right now but I will...its a really funny story when i tell it now....at the time I was not a happy girl. I went because they suspected a blood clot in my leg.....8 hours later I didnt have one. end of story for now. Its a simple broken leg and its consumed me.....

Over the course of the past week or two I have come across stories of Cancer....some of strangers....but most of them have familiar faces or names. None of the stories have happy endings.........or easy treatment plans. They are losing thier battles...and thier hair....and thier will.......and I...am OK.

I am struggling with a guilt that I cant explain or put into words. It makes me cry sitting at stop lights...or reading emails. It makes me daydream about all of the what ifs.....

I feel so incredibly guilty and I don't know how to make it stop.....

Broken me update

Yea...its still broken. I had hoped to wake up and whala (sp?) it would be all healed and we would all laugh about how funny I looked on crutches trying to do all of my everyday tasks....hahahah!! Yea, well that didn't happen.

What did happen is I saw the doctor and no surgery is required. Thank God! I was dreading that and was very happy that he called it a "perfect break"...who knew there was sucha thing. Funny story...while I was waiting for my doctor, who is a really nice guy but not too soft on the eyes, I noticed there was a really HOT doctor running around. He was, of course, young enough to be my son but there is no law against looking right?? I was thinking to myself that I never really get any of the hot doctors and wondered if there was some cosmic reason for this when all of a sudden he came out and called for me.....FOR ME!!!! OMG.....he wants to see ME!! He was the assistant (resident) of my doctor and he would be attending to me. Holy cow...its my unlucky (broken ankle) lucky (hot doc) day!! He was very nice....and very young. I felt really odd actually even thinking how cute he was. He did an awesome recast on my leg....it really feels 100% better now. So I came up with a plan...I went back to work and suggested to one of my much younger single co-workers that she break her leg...or arm. I told her I knew a great doc for her to see and she really should consider doing it soon.....was that wrong of me??? I'm just trying to help her out....stop looking at me like that!

sometimes you just have to laugh......

And for my next trick I think I will.........


BREAK MY ANKLE!!!

Id love to tell you it was during a bar fight or skydiving....or something badass.

Instead I blame it not on "badass" but "fatass"... The boy and I were walking along a trail in the woods...enjoying the fresh air and the animal tracks. It was chilly and there was less then an inch of snow on the ground....a path that I have walked hundreds of times. All of a sudden I heard a crack....and I FELT a crack. The boy turned around and said "What was that pop?" As I was hitting the ground I think I mumbled something about a broken ankle....he said he had heard the noise and was I sure. How can you be sure when pain is flooding your body??? A pain like I have never felt before....he took of running....so fast I was worried he would hurt himself as well. Within minutes he is driving his truck down a trail no wider the 4-5 feet. The truck was ripping over bushes and small trees...he was a man on a mission. He scooped me up and off we went. The ER was extremely fast...in and out in less then an hour!!

So here I sit with a black colored cast (as badass I can get in a cast!!) and a broken ankle.....go me!!

Pet/ct results.....

Had a Pet/ct scan last week...on Thursday. This really creepy guy gives the test too by the way. He reminds me of Dexter....but not the good side of Dexter....the methodical serial killer side. He was really quiet and moved really slow. Talked in a monotone voice and kept calling me patient Stasiak. He said EXACTLY the same things in the same order as the visit I had with him back in July.

My next doctor visit isn't until Jan 22 and the thought of waiting that long to hear the news was driving me crazy. Of course I popped the disc they gave me into my laptop so that I could pretend I'm a doctor and diagnose myself. I had seen the original scan so OF COURSE I knew what I was looking at and ....OMG....its still there....its in the other lymph node and it looks like its on a lung OMG OMG!!! I got myself all worked up...because I am of course an expert at reading these things and I just needed the doctor to confirm the awful truth....chemo again and maybe this time I will lose some weight and oh crap I have to take steroids again and ohhh please don't make me so tired again....and ....and and.....*sigh*


Well I finally worked up the nerve to call the doctor this morning and try to make an earlier appt. I cant keep feeling this way without him giving me a plan of action. The nurse said she already knew the results and would be happy to share them with me over the phone....for me to hold on while she got the papers because she didn't want to make a mistake and tell me wrong info....of course she doesn't....you don't want to tell someone they are fine when they arnt right??? She came back on the phone and started reading it off....uptake this and signs that blah blah blah it all ran together...until....UNTIL I clearly heard her say "This is the best part...the doctor was so excited yesterday.....it shows MINIMAL TO NO UPTAKE and significant decrease in mass on last scan". Huh? what?!?!? OK...so maybe I'm not a very good doctor....and I don't really know what I was looking at on the scan disc. The nurse told me its very good news and the doctor was very happy with the results. So am I. How does this happen?? How do I go from the worst news in my life......facing the facts that I could die...to this? I feel guilty because I didn't have all the nasty side effects that most people get. I didn't lose my hair. I didn't get so skinny that I looked worse then I felt. I didn't miss a day of work. I didn't struggle with my insurance or my job. I did feel bad....really bad and sometimes I don't think people realized just HOW BAD because all the outward signs of Cancer treatment weren't there and that was frustrating at times. Someone close to me told me I was too ornery to die.....and I think she just might be right!!!

Today I feel like the most lucky girl on earth!!!

Thanks for taking this ride with me....I couldn't have done it without you!